Dr. Jenev: Flame on.

JLD: Yes, Dr. Jenev is a psychologist, author, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, and integrative coach who works with entrepreneurs, creatives, and high achievers to help them create stronger connections to themselves and others in order to step into their greatest possibility. She is the founder of mybestrelationship.com. She’s gonna take a minute – fill in some gaps from that end show, and give us a little glimpse of your personal life.

Dr. Jenev: Alright well, first and foremost I am fired up to be here JLD, thank you so much for having me.

JLD: Yes

Dr. Jenev: So, personally my family is my number one. I’ve got an incredible husband, two small kids who are awesome and they keep me on my toes every day. We moved from New York City a few years ago, to the beautiful granite state of New Hampshire to be closer to the mountains and to nature, and so we didn’t have to circle the streets of Queens for parking.

JLD: And closer to me and my home state, yay.

Dr. Jenev: Yes, I know that. I am familiar with that, but it’s beautiful, right? I mean we really love it up here, and not only have a driveway but a garage.

JLD: Love all of that, and give us a little update on the business side.

Dr. Jenev: Okay, well, my work is really at the intersection where business meets love. So, what that means is my specialty is really in showing smart and innovative, and sometimes stubborn overthinkers who don’t like to be told what to do, how to strengthen their emotional connections which is what relationships are all about. And I do this so that they can be even stronger in their businesses doing what they’re meant to do here in the world in a more powerful way. And so, they’re more fulfilled in general.

JLD: So, you just described to us your area of expertise. Kind of take a second, tell us something that we don’t know in that area that, as entrepreneurs, would be pretty helpful to that.

Dr. Jenev: Yeah, well basically, I didn’t know that in order to be our best, we need safe and strong connections with other people. And I know this sounds kind of maybe like it’s obvious, but I had been trained in working with individuals and I was this sort of individual, independent, “strong” and I thought I could do all things by myself like a lot of entrepreneurs. But what I’ve discovered through training and all the rest after becoming a psychologist, was that basically we can only be truly strong and independent when we have super strong connections with others. And it literally is about how we are wired as social mammals.

Our brains are comforted by safe, secure, strong connections with other people. We’re literally more resilient in the face of fear. Social and physical pain actually register in the same part of your brain, and we’re better at handling even physical pain when we have strong relationships. So, entrepreneurs need to know this because all of this translates into being more able to put yourself out there; to be able to face rejection over and over again, as we all have to; being able to pick ourselves up after we fall. And what I’ve discovered over the years is that entrepreneurs can be especially susceptible to relationship difficulties because we’re madly in love with our businesses, right?

And they can become competing love interests. So, I sometimes compare – you hear people talking about your business is like your baby, right? I think that your business is more like an affair – can be more like an affair, or even an addiction. Because let’s face it, not all the time is like, the baby’s daddy, your partner isn’t necessarily the business’s daddy, your partner, right? So, we are – like I know for myself, I’m obsessed with work and with business and with setting goals and reaching them, and it feels great.

And I know what happens a lot of the times if I wasn’t given these tools around what strong relationships are really about, which I’ll tell you guys, I might have gone ahead and sabotaged my relationship myself. Because so many couples, when they can’t connect, when they don’t feel supported by their partners – so many entrepreneurs might throw themselves into their businesses as a result, because look, your business isn’t gonna talk back to you. Your business is gonna pay you, and it feels good. But that can ultimately make things worse in your relationship.

JLD: Now Jenev, you didn’t discover all of this overnight. You’ve had the ups, you’ve had the downs. You’ve had the trials and the tribulations, and I want you to take us to one of those right now. But not just any trial, not just any tribulation, the worst of the worst. Take us to your lowest entrepreneurial moment to date, and tell us that story.

Dr. Jenev: So, even though I’ll say a strong relationship is your secret weapon in business, I’ll also be the first to say that it’s not all you need. Because I’ve had that all along and at this point that I’m gonna share with you, I was definitely not feeling successful. So, I remember sitting there at this very chair and this very desk. I was like very, very pregnant. I was in tears. I was on the phone with a coach less than a year after we moved up here, and it takes a lot for me to get down because, look, I mean I’m healthy, we’re so privileged and fortunate in so many ways, but I was in a bad place. I had left my successful private practice in New York to move up here, and I thought I’d be doing so much better than I had been.

I was about to finish up a year-long coaching and mastermind program that I somewhat mindlessly threw myself into thinking that it was the Golden Ticket to my online success. And I’m an action taker and I follow the blueprint, and when everything didn’t click and magically fall into place, I was really disappointed. I was totally ashamed of myself for making what I then considered a huge investment, and not getting it to work. Now, if I’m being honest with you in retrospect, I was pretty naïve and I didn’t really listen to my inner voice about this. I didn’t realize this wasn’t the right program for me, it wasn’t what I needed.

I will say it did give me confidence, maybe it was false confidence, but it was awesome confidence to “burn the ships” as they say and head north. I made some amazing connections and learned a lot, but in that moment, I definitely regretted it. I don’t regret it today, but I did then. And I was totally driving the beat-up Jenev bus. I thankfully did a ton of forgiveness stuff around that, but that was a tough time. And then we had even more first world problems on top of that, just financial stuff. We moved to New Hampshire with our apartment in Queens under contract, we pretty much knew it was selling, and then that fell through maybe two weeks after we moved up here.

So then, I just felt horrible and irresponsible for adding the additional financial strain on my growing family and letting go of the majority of my income at the same time, despite having been so confident. But all of this, thankfully, got me even more in touch with my drive to really do this, and to figure out not only my business, but even more so myself, which, I mean I’ll be honest, being an entrepreneur has forced me to do that more so than any amount of academic study in psychology, or personal growth books, or even my experience in therapy that I did as a part of my training.

JLD: What’s the biggest lesson, Jenev, that you took away from that experience? Just one or two sentences. I’m challenging you here. Let us know what that big take away was, and how we can implement that solution into our lives.

Dr. Jenev: Yeah, I mean listen to yourself. Trust your gut. If it was easy, everyone would do it. More so than anything just really stay connected to yourself.

JLD: Let’s talk about another story, this one being one of your greatest ideas to date. You wouldn’t have achieved the level of success that you have right now without some aha moments and then taking the action on them. So, take us to one that you think our listeners would get a lot of value from, and tell us that story and how you turned that idea into success.

Dr. Jenev: Part of this low point really forced me to get in touch with the fact that a large part of being successful – I mean you hear about it, but I really had to start implementing that a large part of it is an inside game. So ironically, you’d think I’d know this as a psychologist, I mean this is what drove me to the study of this whatever “science”, but I really lost sight of that along the way. So, I learned that it’s not all you need to do to build a life and a business. You have to do more than just put the hard work in. Now obviously, that’s important, but it’s more than that if you wanna build a life and a business that’s truly meaningful and fulfilling, which I won’t settle for anything less than.

So, the aha moment for me was really – it was a process. It was really full circle in that it’s about emotional connection to oneself, to what really matters. And to me, it’s really not about making fast money, which if I’m being honest was maybe what I was thinking I was gonna get from this program. But it’s really about contributing and being a prominent force in this love revolution, which the idea is really around – entrepreneurs need this because if I hadn’t been thrown into this work, and I didn’t voluntarily sign-up for it, but if I hadn’t been thrown into it, I wouldn’t have felt safe, or comfortable, or okay with falling in love and getting married myself.

Because I look around and the statistics are not good. So, the idea is that it’s really marrying this idea of creating safe and secure connections with others, but really sharing it with the entrepreneurial community because, look, entrepreneurs are self-reliant. They don’t like being told what to do. We become obsessed with our businesses. So, the idea is really just taking this and sharing it with people who might not otherwise receive it.

JLD: Within all of that, Jenev, what’s the one take-away? What do you wanna make sure Fire Nation gets from that aha moment?

Dr. Jenev: I really want Fire Nation to know that your relationships are so important, and they can actually help you with your business.

JLD: Communicate Fire Nation. You have to sit down and just have open, honest conversations with people in your life if you wanna keep those relationships and that balance in place. And Jenev, you have a lot of things on your plate right now, but what is the one thing that gets you most excited when you jump out of bed in the morning? What are you most fired up about?

Dr. Jenev: Well, I love my work, but it’s really part of my mission to bring it to more and more people who, like I said, might not wish to access that third-party help because of the time commitment, the expense, all the rest. So, Gary Vaynerchuk advises us to think about putting ourselves out of business so somebody else doesn’t have to. And my goal anyway is always to get fired by my couples, right?

So, I am super pumped because I’m creating My Best Relationship Society, which is a continuity program that anyone can join to get resources, master classes, laser coaching, and questions answered to really show more and more people how to create their best relationships without having to go through the average – the average couple waits six years of distress before they get help. So, that’s what I’m really excited about right now.

JLD: Now, let me kind of talk this through a little bit because I think this would be interesting. You said your goal is to get fired by your couples. I get where you’re coming from with that, but how I kinda look at things like this is, to figure out why my clients will fire me, and then be preemptive in that and figure out solutions for that so that I don’t get fired. Now, is that kinda the direction you’re going or are you going in a different route?

Dr. Jenev: No, so when I’m working with a couple as a therapist, I want them to not need me anymore. So, I want them to say – well, I might fire them.

JLD: So, maybe “graduate” would be a better word then?

Dr. Jenev: Yeah okay, fair enough.

JLD: I get it. I get the word “fired” I know what Gary Vaynerchuk means by that, and I think it’s brilliant, Fire Nation, for you to think, “Why would I get fired? How would something happen where my clients would think that I’m not relevant anymore, or my product or service isn’t helpful anymore?” So that you can be preemptive with your actions there. And in your case, Jenev, it sounds like you’re really looking for your clients to graduate so they can move on to the next level because you want to help as many people as you can.

Dr. Jenev: And I don’t want people to get – nobody wants to go see a couples therapist. I don’t want people to have to get to that place in their relationship where they need that. So, I’m pumped about putting together more of a preventative program so that – I was maybe two years into my relationship when I learned about this stuff, and so things were fine, right? I sometimes wonder if I didn’t learn about this new revolution that’s happening in neuroscience and psychology around relationships and love and how to get it right, I wonder, “Would I self-sabotage this relationship? Would I ruin it somehow?” Because I tend to be more on that sort of spectrum of, “I can do it myself, leave me alone.” You know what I mean?

The point of what I’m trying to say is that obviously I’m not gonna prevent the need for couples therapy totally, but couples are in crisis by the time they reach a couples therapist. They wait through – statistics show they live through six years of distress before they reach out to get help. Relationship issues are like a pebble in your shoe. You don’t really care about it at first, it doesn’t matter. But you start running, you go run a marathon. It’s like you gonna have a ripped-up and bloody foot. So, I wanna take the pebble out of the shoe before it becomes a huge issue and, in a way, that’s a lot easier.

JLD: That’s a great analogy. That was quite a visual being a runner myself. I definitely don’t want that happening, and, Fire Nation, just think about that. What preventative measures can you do? How can you get in front of the problem? How can you communicate better? And if you think that Jenev’s been dropping value bombs, you just wait for the lighting round which we’re gonna crush as soon as we thank our sponsors.

Jenev, we’re back, and question for you, are you ready to rock the lightning round?

Dr. Jenev: I am ready.

JLD: What was holding you back from becoming an entrepreneur?

Dr. Jenev: Totally fear. I didn’t hesitate to start my first private practice on the side while I was working in a job. But I worked all the time and that wasn’t really great for my relationship. But I was scared to let go of the security and all that stuff, to dive in. So, I put it off for years, but once I took the leap I could never go back.

JLD: Best advice you’ve ever received?

Dr. Jenev: So, I’ll share a quote from one of my mentors, Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Her quote is, “Being the best you can be is really only possible when you are deeply connected to another. Splendid isolation is for planets, not people.”

JLD: “Splendid isolation is for planets”, I mean that’s gold. I love that. What’s a personal habit that contributes to your success?

Dr. Jenev: Speaking of running, that’s my thing. It’s good for my mood. It helps me be nicer. It helps me be more patient. It’s where I get ideas.

JLD: It gives you time to listen to the podcast.

Dr. Jenev: I was just gonna say that. It gives me time to listen to “Entrepreneur on Fire”.

JLD: Oh, damn.

Dr. Jenev: It also helps me with my emotional connection to myself since I tend to be an overthinker too.

JLD: And there are no pebbles in your shoes?

Dr. Jenev: No, well maybe, but yeah.

JLD: Give us an internet resource, like Evernote, that you can share with Fire Nation.

Dr. Jenev: I love Zoom. It’s a video and audio conferencing software, kind of like Skype. I do my coaching calls there, and I love it.

JLD: All the best people use Zoom, Fire Nation. If you could recommend one book, what it would be and why?

Dr. Jenev: Okay, it’s not a business book, but I strongly believe every entrepreneur needs to read it, or listen to it on Audible, which is read by the author herself, so that they can understand even more about why – how to create those best relationships. It’s called Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships.

JLD: Jenev, let’s end today on fire with you giving us a parting piece of guidance, the best way that we can connect with you, and then we’ll say goodbye.

Dr. Jenev: Alright, priorities and perspective. I would just advise everybody here on Fire Nation to keep your priorities in focus. Take care of the people who matter to you, and a large part of that is just by letting them know just how much they do matter to you.

JLD: Yeah

Dr. Jenev: I know it gets thrown around a lot, but that’s because it’s true – to always count your blessings. So, you can reach me at mybestrelationship.com and I wanna share with Fire Nation a copy of my book. It’s sold for 20 dollars. I wanna give it to you guys for free. Just head over to mybestrelationship.com/fire and grab my book, Your Best Love: The Couples Workbook and Guide to Their Best Relationship. So, you can be as on fire in love as you are in business.

JLD: Thank you. Well, I feel the love.

Dr. Jenev: Thank you

JLD: And head on over eofire.com and just type “Jenev” in the search bar, Fire Nation, and her “Show Notes” page is gonna pop up with everything we’ve been talking about today. These are the best show notes in the biz. Timestamps, links galore, and of course grab your free gift from Jenev, mybestrelationship.com/fire. A 20-dollar book that she created for you, for free. So, make that happen, and you’re the average, Fire Nation, of the five people you spend the most time with. And you have been hanging out with JC and JLD today so keep up the heat. And Jenev, thank you for sharing your journey with Fire Nation today, for that we salute you and we’ll catch you on the flip side.